WHAT NOT TO WRITE
by bitchinblackframedglasses
Summary: Tired of seeing things that annoy you to death on fan-fiction? I was, here is my rambling about things NOT to write. Plus, some tips and responses for and from readers! REVAMPED-includes HP rants too! Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**WHAT NOT TO WRITE!!!**

Hey, this is not a new story, but rather, my own pent-up boredom. I figured I would write down the stuff that angered me the most while reading and browsing fan-fiction. So here it is!

**Learn how to spell, **_**please.**_

I know this is not possible for everyone, but some words really need some work. The most commonly misspelled word on fan fiction: **breathe **When someone inhales or exhales, it is spelled **breathe.** _Breath_ is not the same thing as **breathe.**

**Space out your paragraphs!**

I have made this mistake too, don't worry about it. But when I see a story that is just a whole chunk of words, I usually don't read it, or skip over it. I do not have perfect 20-20 vision. Give me and other users a break!

**Stop basing your stories off of your favorite band.**

I know you love them, but please. You can mention that your character or whoever was listening to the song, but other than that, try to rein yourself in.

**Do not do any of the following plot-lines. They have been way over-used, so STOP IT!!! If you have a new spin on it, great. Just stop making them the same, darn thing!!!**

-What annoys the Cullen's/How to annoy Edward, Bella, Emmett, and Jasper…etc.

-IM with the Cullen's, AIM with the Cullen's, Note passing, etc.

-Switching Edward and Bella in a Twilight scenario.

-Pranks with the Cullen's. You can only terrorize Wal-Mart so many times.

-Please do not do random parings, like Bella/Carlisle, Bella/James. It's just weird.

-Do **NOT **create three-somes with the Cullen's! If I read another Bella/Edward/Jasper I think I will puke.

-Can you please change around the Bella Alice and Rosalie meet three mysterious perfect guys and always fall in love?! Change it up a bit!

-Stop doing the 'Bella has amnesia from a strange accident.' It's old. WAY old.

**Please think over your summary before you write it. **

How many times have you seen the 'I suck at summaries, but please, R&R!'? For me, far to many times. I have snapped. So please, think it through, and write a good summary. Then, I might actually read it! (Not that you need me to read it, but still. You're sending out a bad vibe with that sort of thing.)

6. **Make your summary and title original!**

This is a hard one. I don't think its possible. But there are way to many 'Edward left in New Moon and never came back. Victoria/Laurent found Bella and changed her. After X years, the Cullen's are back in Forks (or any other random town) and Bella is there too! With her own coven! OMG!' Yeah…NO. Try to switch it up SOME HOW. I'm begging you.

**Stop letting Bella have Jacob or Mike's, or anyone else's kids besides Edward's.**

You can only do this if you have a good plot line, and there is a rape or something. Do not have her get impregnated by Jacob while Edward is gone in New Moon.

Thank you for reading! I've been thinking of writing this for day's now, but I did it. Maybe this will make Twilight fan fiction much more interesting. And feel free to review! I can't wait to see how many flames I get! (And good reviews are nice too. But this was so controversial, I just thought…)


	2. Chapter 2

**WHAT NOT TO WRITE cont.**

I should really write something so controversial more often! I have gotten more reviews than I have ever gotten for one new chapter of one of my stories…

Any who, I have more to add! Thanks to all of the fabulous reviews I have received **(THANK YOU ALL WHO REVIEWED! I LOVE HEARING FROM YOU!) **There is more worth mentioning to my growing list. If you have a suggestion, or if you just want to yell at me, review or PM me.

And I apologize for my mistake! The dictionary on my word program crashed, so all of my spellings got deleted. (Can you believe Microsoft Word telling me that Cullens was spelled wrong?) That just goes to show that not everyone is perfect, and that I need a newer version of Microsoft Word!

So, here goes nothing…

**New Plotlines that are agreed on as over used and VERY annoying:**

-**Edward being the main player at Forks**, he wants Bella; she doesn't want her or vice versa. There are just no more ideas here.

-**Karaoke with the Cullens**. I do not want to picture Emmett dancing around with a sparkly mike like Hannah Montana's!

-**Twilight Playlists**! This is a touchy topic. Everyone has a song they know that could be related to twilight. What do you think my pathetic attempts at song-fics were?! I was just trying to be a bit more subtle. Add it in as a song Bella listens to, fitting with the time period in the books, or something.

-**Things one of the Cullens or all of them should never do. **We do not have the power to dictate their lives! Incorporate something you don't ever want to see them do into a story as a prank or something. But BE ORIGINAL.

-**Bella being abused by a love one. **This one is not completely old, but is damn close. I know it is a great piece of tension to add to a story, but it's just not what writers/browsers want to read. Cause you, and 10,000 other people have done the exact same thing.

**TIPS FOR WRITING BETTER:**

**Get an editor. **

If you don't want to spell check your stories a thousand times or go over it yourself, get an editor. Ask a friend to look over it. Or *gasp* even your English teacher! It will make your work look much neater and easier to read. Plus, the story might be easier to understand.

**Be original.**

Don't take someone else's plot line and try to make your own spin on it, or pick one up from a writer who doesn't want it. That usually means the story is dead, and you can't add anything new or exciting to it. Take ideas from your dreams or life. Or books you liked. (That's what I did, and hey, I have three stories I consider good.)

**Don't hold your story hostage for reviews.**

I love reviews, but I lose interest in a story whenever an author won't post until they get so many reviews. I would gladly go read another story. Don't threaten your readers in any way; it's not really the smartest thing to do. They are in control here, not you.

**Write with a friend/write out story ideas.**

I have a whole notebook full of ideas I have abandoned, gone through with, or co-writed with someone. This really helps you judge if you think your story will have a good ending and make it past 10 chapters. (I made this mistake with Part of Their World) If your plot-line is flat, your story will be too.

**Also…**

If you are just all like "Why is she bitching so much about pranks and randomness?" I can tell you why. Because there are some kinds of random that are good and bad. Ones that are totally inside jokes and are not clear to the reader are a big "What the heck?" in your story.

You can do random, and pranks. Choose a new location, target and pranks each time. (Stop defacing Edward's car for example) just have a purpose behind the randomness. Like in my story, Child of the Earth, Sproule seems like a totally unrelated creeper. But is he? He might just appear in the story somewhere…

_**Please look at all the reviews before posting your idea! Also, read them for tips!**_

**So, In conclusion, I challenge you to write a better story, and to get more readers! I challenge you, sitting there, reading this and probably thinking that I'm insane. Prove me wrong. Show me that there isn't all the crap on fan fiction that I have been bitching about.**

**BRING IT ON!**

**(I love a challenge, don't you?)**


	3. Chapter 3

**WHAT NOT TO WRITE cont. cont.**

**Buhahaha! I am back to annoy you all once again. This time, I'm posting things you guys have said in reviews. I really have been busy lately, so I probably wont rant to much this time. And I tried not to cut out anything from your reviews.**

**a fan: **All of what you write is true and really good advice. And if you continue this advice column mention that people need to stop replacing the characters with themselves it gets really annoying.

**GiveTheDevilHisDue:** heyy. So, yea this stuff kind of ticks me off too. I mean, random fics can be really quite funny. But then there's some that is in fact a "yikes holy man..." kind of thing. I gotcha.

But, you know the point of this site is so people can express themselves and write something based on a book/movie/cartoon/comic etc. etc. that they really enjoy.  
Cruddy writing or not, people still have a right to write whatever nonsense that pops into their head. So, some of the things like "no-cannon parings" are fine if you enjoy that kind of thing.

Yes, spelling, grammar, "i suck at summaries", and paragraph spacing is important. Thank the good lord someone put that out there! haha.

okay, so that's my rant if you want to put this in your next set of advice then i think that if you're going to write a story that goes off track of Twilight (AU stories) then DO NOT get too out of character because then the plot and character actions are changed and your story isn't really a fan fiction, but that's all.

**Deddy2die4:** LOL YOU ROCK! I agree with you on a lot of things! Another thing to add on the list is when A summary has a lot of slang or text talk. No one will read a story if it has a crappy summary! Lol

**Reader13lovesbooks: **must say, this is one of my favorite twilight fanfics.  
And it's not even a "real" fanfic.  
weird...  
it's like you're reading my mind! reviews and PMs are my only exceptions, but i am a spelling/grammar FREAK.  
Are you sure you're not Edward in disguise? (Looks at you suspiciously)  
because, seriously...this was like my exact opinions.

**JaspersDaughter**: Its not your choice to tell others wat to write and not write. If you dont like how they write the story or the plot of the story then I have one thing to say to you...DON'T READ IT. They arent forcing you to so if u dont like it then thats what you do. Duh

**Suggie001: **I completely agree with everything you wrote.  
May I add 2 please. Characters rolling their eyes, and Edward pinching his nose -- completely over-used.

And if you want more…go read the reviews. I just thought of something to add as I was reading over my own reviews.

_**A quick note…**_

I don't care how many crappy and overused things you put in one shots and a rough draft of a story. That's what _makes_ it better. Just edit it like crazy, and take the time to really write what you are thinking. Like, when I go back and read the first few chapters of Child of the Earth and Part of their World, I'm like, ick, what the hell was I thinking?

I'm actually considering replacing the chapters with edited ones. Now that I have gotten better at transferring my ideas to words that you guys can understand, I can see all the nasty mistakes I have made, that even put _me_ off.

So don't be afraid to experiment. Just know how far you are actually going, and If somebody is going to be able to understand it.

And look, I just ranted again. Pff.

**Oh yes…**

**TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes:** Why did you sign your name with an omega (Ω) and not a 'Thanks' or a 'sincerely'? Not that I don't like it, but I hate to be missing the obvious, and it made me curious.

I sign with the Omega just because it is different. The meaning and the symbol itself has just always interested me. And, I put it at the _end_ of the story, because it means the _end…_see where I'm going with that? For people that don't know what it is, here is a quick definition. (Or three)

**Definition:** The last; the end; hence, death.

**Definition:** the ending of a series or sequence; "the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end"--Revelation

**Definition:** the last (24th) letter of the Greek alphabet

Ω


	4. Chapter 4

**WHAT NOT TO WRITE cont. cont. cont.**

**Ok, I told myself I was going to let things go, and that it was none of my business what other people wrote. I made myself promise that I wouldn't update this story again…….I lied. I just couldn't help myself, especially when I started writing under a new name, and under different books.**

**For the most part, everything still stands. My help is here, take it or leave it. It may be a little outdated, (I forgot about this for a while, then said I wouldn't update, blah blah blah.) but I swear that it's legit. Plus, I'm adding more!**

_New Feature!_

**~The following are plot-lines from ****Harry Potter**** that really don't capture that much interest anymore. I know you've always been itching to write one, (especially if you are like me and write Twilight, Harry Potter, and any crappy fanfiction I can dream up) but STOP IT. **

1. Hermione needs to stop going back in time. It was a brilliant idea, it really was, but enough is enough. Any character really, if they are going back in time to meet up with the Marauders, it's as old as my grandmother.

2. The characters need to stop reading the books, finding the books, etc. Yes, their reactions would be hilarious. ONCE. This rule applies to almost all fanfiction. It would be like Harry and Hermione being seen when they go back in time in POA, it just wouldn't happen.

3. I don't know about you, but I hate the stories about 'the next generation' of kids at Hogwarts and their cutsey little adventures. We barely learned anything about them, and now people are making up all of these crazy personas for them. If I ever read a good one that just doesn't go on and on with dumb little challenges, I will eat my socks. Until then, try to be more original!

4. Don't yell at me when I say this: some of the crazier pairings in Harry Potter fanfiction are starting to scare me. I mean, Teddy/Harry? _Really?_ That, incase you aren't aware, is technically incest, because Harry is technically a relative. I've seen the normal ones, (Dramione, Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny, Sirius/Remus) but some are really out of control. Like Harry/Greyback for example. I'm all for stretching boundaries, but how the _HELL_ would this _EVER_ happen? Be realistic with your pairings, please. For me.

~**Twilighters, I haven't forgotten about you. I posted this under Twilight after all. So, here are a few more modern pointers for you all. If you've read this far, it's a shocker, but I had to rant about HP too. **

I hate to sound like a broken record, but if Bella really had a baby everytime I saw a fanfiction about her being left preggo in New Moon, she'd be popping them out like an amphibian; 2,000 eggs at a time. Resist the urge to write something blah! Be _interesting_, unique and most of all-easy to understand.

Again, everyone has a right to the music that they love, but I don't really care to read stories about characters singing their songs in some 'cool shit band' or them becoming obsessed with them. Remember, at least the Cullens have some class. They have been around for what, 200 years? What are the realistic chances?

Really Important Tips. Seriously. Read These:

_There are two different kinds of realistic-ness I'm looking for in good fanfiction. One is normal realistic boundaries that fit with every story and is just __**common sense.**__ You can't randomly have a pink hippo fly into a scene with Bella and the Cullens, so why should they do something terribly and extremely OC unless stated in the stories summary? That is annoying, stop it. The other kind is the realism of the plot line. I'm all for abstract and new ideas, but sometimes we take things too far. __**Think about it.**__ Would Harry really fall in love with I don't know…(random matchmaking) ahaha! Would Harry really fall in love with Voldemort? J.K. Rowling only stresses to no end that they are __**mortal enemies.**__ Some alternate universes are too alternate. _

_When proofreading a story, (which you better do or you story will suck, especially if you make a REALLY big mistake) actually think about what is happening, and what you picture in your head. Any detail is important, because I can't read your mind when I read a story. Make sure everything you visualize in your head makes it onto the computer, paper, or what ever you are writing on. Make sure your series of events eventually makes sense to the reader. Tell someone what happens in a chapter, then have them read it. If they are confused, you need to add more details to a story._

_Finally, I suggest that you write out at least half of your story before you post it. If you are rushing to update for your fans, you will make more mistakes. You'll get harried and things will go wrong. Don't let it happen to you, proofread and __take your time.__ As boring as it is, reading a story thirty times over, it's worth it._

Well, I think this rant is officially over…for now.

I might be back again, don't get too comfortable, and save some of those dirty words you were calling me in your head. You might need them again.

Ω


	5. Chapter 5

**WHAT NOT TO WRITE 4**

Here I am again, back to bother you with more unexciting information on why YOU suck at writing fanfiction. If you can't tell, I pretty much have no life. So. ONWARD!

_Idea: _Have an agenda for how you write fanfiction. I know everyone does it differently, but stick to doing it one way. For example, don't think up all of these great ideas and then suddenly cram them all onto your computer in one night.

_Idea:_ No matter what you're style, write out the plot. For me, personally, I sometimes get on the computer with the intent to write just the plot. This ensures that you've really thought out where your story is going to go. It's also great for busting writer's block- all of your ideas are on one sheet so you can use them to tie facts into the future of the story.

_Idea: _Don't be afraid to get some ideas from real literature. WARNING: Don't rip off Edgar Allen Poe when you write: The Pigeon, by Your Name Here. Think about the design of classic literature. Now, if you're scoffing at me right now, stop it. _Why do you think the __**'classics' **__were popular? __**Because they had good, fundamental ideas.**_ Example: Me, blackorchestrafreak. I like the Dark Romanticism and Horror periods of American Literature. Huh, that's kinda weird, because a lot of my stories have those kinds of elements in them. Hmmm. Interesting. (By the way, not implying that my stories are as wildly successful as the classics, they are just an example.)

_Idea: _Your characters truly only exist in pixels. Whatever you write is what we think about a character. They need to FEEL, and THINK, and LEARN. I'd rather you spent a paragraph telling me about a characters' conflicting emotions than telling me precisely their height, weight and eye color. This isn't a police station, it's fanfiction. Don't get me wrong, it's good to describe the character- but not that much. BUT, don't ramble about how the character feels. This is wrong:

_Pacing in my room, I anxiously bit my lip and looked out the window. He should have been here by now, where was he? My head told me that he would never come, that he had already left me here. Struggling to not accept that horrid thought, I went to the window, looking out at the dark, cold night. My sadness knew no bounds, it was like my heart had been torn open, free for anyone to hurt. I was vulnerable and everyone knew it. Oh, where was he? Surely he knew that I was lamenting his absence?_

Nobody thinks like that, NOBODY. If you're that tutti-frutti, then you need to burn all your romance novels and come into reality. If it helps, do a character sketches. If you save them to your computer like you would a PLOT SHEET (hint, hint!), you'd have all of the basics of your story in one place, free to be accessed and utilized.

_**FOOD FOR THOUGHT- **_Reviewing is awesome. Reviewing makes my heart go pitter-pat. Telling the author what YOU think is like your birthday, _awesome. _However, a review that doesn't offer anything about YOUR ideas is pretty much worthless. For example:

GenericUsername: lol, great chapter! Update soon!

WOW. Talk about frickin' **lame! **If I wanted you to giggle and tell me to work faster, I would have asked you to. Now, don't get me wrong, the fact that you DID review is still _awesome._ But, if you're like me, you see the email in your inbox saying someone reviewed and you get all excited, and your heart goes pitter-pat. Once you actually read the review, though, you're like, "Seriously? Wow, thanks. I'm _so _happy that you liked it." And then you put off writing and your story goes in the crapper. So, instead of writing a review like the one above, try to _think_ of a part of the story you really liked and tell the author about it. Don't get all touchy-feely emotional on them, but speak your mind! Or, if you're more like me (Grammar Nazi, self described bitch, enjoys telling others what to do) and like to write about what you _didn't_ like, be nice. I know how hard that is…trust me, I know. But don't just harp on about how the author missed a comma on the last word of the 36th line. Be _CONSTRUCTIVE. _

–Constructive: (_**adjective**_)__constructing or tending to construct; helping to improve; promoting further development or advancement (opposed to destructive): _constructive criticism. _

**Hey, you. Yes, you. Read this.**

Let me tell you something- I'm lazy. I hate going over my work and spending too much time on much of anything. What I hate even more than writing a difficult scene the first time is _writing it again. _I mean, for goodness sake, I just wrote the damn thing! But, if you **really** want to make sure your story is 100% clear and engaging, you'd mess around with writing alternate scenes. Like for movies, you know? If you write alternate scenes and endings, it can help you focus on the main points of your story AND might even combat writer's block. Doing things over isn't always a **bad** thing; it means you've done it right.

_Another_ Ramble? Yup.

Hey, want yet _another_ challenge? I bet you do. I can see you now, sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation! In expectation! In eagerness!

DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID RIGHT THERE?

That's right. I used _synonyms. _You know, what those Thesaurus things are full of? Did you know that those things are actually _really_ useful? If you feel like you are repeating a word over and over in your story, the reader feels that way too. It's similar to when you can't stop counting how many times a speaker says 'like' or 'um'. It's noticeable, and it makes you look dumber than you actually are. The solution? Use a thesaurus. But remember- you can't go apeshit and start flinging adjectives and fancy words around everywhere. If you don't know what it means, you'll probably use it the wrong way and confuse readers. _Start slowly._ I started with a verb that you're all familiar with: _said. _

_SAID: _grumbled, yowled, screamed, cried, roared, snapped, barked, groaned, mumbled, whispered, sang, trilled, giggled, chuckled, laughed, sobbed, argued, interjected, interrupted, offered, grinned, smiled, frowned, spat, added…

You could go on for days. "Always using the same verb to indicate that someone said something is boring," Sally **said.** If your character was Sally, and if you'd thought out her PERSONALITY, you could choose a new way of saying it to fit the scene. _Note:_ don't kick 'said' to the curb. He/She/It is still your most common verb for expressing a characters thought out loud. Whether we like it or not, we need 'said'.

To add to that sentiment…

If you use a verb, you can probably add an adjective. But remember, _adjectives should be used in moderation. _Don't start flinging them everywhere to 'sound' like a writer who writes 'deep' things. You sound like an idiot when you do that. Take an example:

_I like cheese. It's yummy. _

This has no personality. If I was editing this, and I wanted to express my deep love for cheese, not just my crush on it, I'd change the verb.

_I adore cheese. It's yummy._

Great! Now that we sound a bit more mature, let's throw in adjectives just for the hell of it.

_I adore __**spicy**__ cheese. It's __**delicious**__._

Use caution, young grasshopper! This process can easily get out of hand. You could go from, 'I scratched my back' to, 'I clawed my back with a wild fervor'. At that point, I'm thinking that the main point of the sentence was lost. The meaning went from relieving and itch to gouging nails into a back like a drunkard having sex.

_**Last one, I swear.**_

Sentences have different forms. Some are ridiculously long and difficult to understand, and some make your IQ drop several points upon reading them. Don't have run-on sentences, or sentences that are so long that you lose the main idea in it.

WRONG: I took my dog to the park to walk her because she had an urgent need to urinate; while there, I discovered that she was only faking and really didn't have to pee at all, she just wanted to chase the purple butterflies and bark at passerby.

That's just ridiculous. Read it out loud. Go on, do it! If you have to take a new breath when talking at your normal pace, it's too long. I know it's hard to write what you truly have envisioned, but that sentences that long aren't helping with readers' comprehension at all. On the flipside…you have sentences that are far too short. When reading it, you feel like someone is slamming on the brakes every second.

WRONG: I think I love him. His face is beautiful. I look at it and feel happy. He loves me too. He says I'm pretty. We went on a date. It was nice. He bought flowers.

This makes you seem like you have no idea what you're doing. Those sentences only require the mental capacity of a kindergartener. So elaborate a little more, please. Hey! You could use my notes up there on verbs and adjectives!

**Once again, I leave you with THE CHALLENGE. Apply careful thought to your writing and reviews. Make your day and someone else's. Go into the light…..**

**Ω**


End file.
